[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
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Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia