This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.