Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
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*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car