“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
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[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?