Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
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funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.