Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
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Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
This line from Airplane.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.