Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
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It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Cheer up.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
“I’m helping” 😅