*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
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date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
12653.
When you’re Kinky but poor
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
i love modern commerce
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.