Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*