*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
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If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.