[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono