For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
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Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Bro what is this
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.