[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
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Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?