Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
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Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.