Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
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I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.