Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
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Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?