if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Awesome parenting 😂
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Bike for sale
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.