When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
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Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn