I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
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Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL