8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
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Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
BaD BoY!!
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed