I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
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I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…