Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
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Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking