Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
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Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.