I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
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I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
#milo
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.