Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
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The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”