Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm