As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
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My patronus is a cheeseburger
thank god the sign was there
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad