Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
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me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
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Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off