It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
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Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I want to meet the individual who made this
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.