date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
You Might Also Like
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”