Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
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me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.