“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.