Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
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Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.