“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Note to self: always read the final line
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
love it when they get my name right
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.