(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
*pronounces patio like ratio
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.