I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
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The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.