Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
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You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.