friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You Might Also Like
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
your honor my client chooses dare
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend