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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
is this meant to deter me
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.