Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
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I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend