if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
You Might Also Like
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
for all #parents out there
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep