Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
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Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.