This is my cat’s medicine.
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Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?