if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
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I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.