Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
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“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality