My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.