[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
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wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old