[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
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Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Yes, but it was never about money
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor