I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
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Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
My first child will be named New Folder.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter