Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
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a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
“our sushi is very fresh”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year